Sunday, December 10, 2006

How do we finish well?

And i break the blogging silence.

Since i made the annoucement to move, i have been wrestling with the issue of finishing well. I struggle with my own feelings of wanting to move on and not leaving the relationships i have. I am a creature of habit. my life is predictable from a schedule stand point. So the move is tough because in essence it is starting over.

I am concerned about the significant relationships i have made. How do you maintain them? how to sustain them? I am riding the line of i don't want the friendships to change and change being inevitable.

I have a couple i am close to. I have spent basically the last 10 years of my life getting to know. And for the last 6 years have spent basically two and sometimes three times a week at their house. they have a child the same age as becca and for the most part have really gotten along well. We spent some time over to their house this weekend and it is getting more difficult to leave their house. I spent most of this evening with talking to becca about not seeing this family and seeing how upset she is about that. You see the other child was spending time with friends in the neighborhood & not really paying attention to becca. Now that is normal and i am not saying i "blame" the other child but it was upsetting to becca. The question that kept coming up, "Does _______ realize we have just a week and everything changes?" So we are all trying to figure out how to finish well. Yet, i feel the pull.

I have a couple i am close to. i have been connected deeply for years. been thru alot. i cannot even break that statement down for you - it is so big. But i can tell you that we have spent many hours at a campfire dreaming, praying, worshipping, laughing and solving the worlds problems. This is a part of my life i do not want to change. Just like the last paragraph, these are relationships i do not want to lose. yet, i feel the pull.

I had some close relationships from work. The disconnect did not happen very well. I am not sure where those relationships are now or if they will ever be reconciled. You see i feel like i finished well -- 3 weeks notice, projects complete (except a programming thing)(an issue that could have been avoided), etc. Yet, i am sure if you asked them they would have a completely different opinion. You see, we were a pretty tight group. The team was strong. Then, over the last 9 months, some things happened and levels of relationships changed. I felt a real connection on one relationship while the other relationship changed for the worse. I have enjoyed watching the one friendship blossom while i have agonized over the other friendship dying. The funny thing is i can see the dying process happening in this one relationship - but i could not stop it. You cannot make some one see the destructive path they are on and denial is a powerful tool. With all that said, i still have good feelings about those relationships, about my employment and employer. I will always have good things to say. Yet, i feel the pull.

I spent some time over the holidays with my family. it was fun to connect and have meals. Becca and i had a great time. It was difficult to leave. There was one spot where i wished i had a camera. My dad is not the most emotional guy. It has only been since becca was born that i would hear i love you between the two of us. He and i made an "unspoken" pact not to part conversation without saying those words. Life if too short not to tell those you care about that you care! I have made the trip home to the farm many, many times. Every time i would leave, my parents would stand in the window and wave. This time was different. As i got settled in my car and made ready for the trip how, i looked up to see my dad standing on the porch waving. I will never forget the image. it is burned in my mind. I know it does not seems like a big thing but it was a moment for me -- never to forget.

Not to mention watermark. I have been part since close to the beginning and i mean before the church started, while we were having test sundays. The disconnect here is going to be hard too. I have enjoyed so much the relationships i have been blessed with. The team, the people, the experience of God here....i am going to miss.

the reality is that all of these relationships will change and that is my struggle because i do not want them too. Oh carter you will make new friends. Thanks for the encouragement but frankly i love the relationships i have! and that is my struggle.

Well, i am sure i will rant some more but it is late and i need to get some sleep.

Love your neighbors as yourself. hmmm lets practice that one for a while.
Carter

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have a vision of you unplugging appliances and lights as you speak of saying goodbye to those you care about.

As long as you remember to unpack and plug those things back in, they'll brighten your room again and continue to make you toast.

After all, I'd like to think I'm your lamp once in a while. :)

Arkay said...

I feel you man, been there done that...it is hard and it is difficult but I just keep thinking how everything pointed me in this direction...and waiting and praying for a reason to have come this far away from my only friends in the world and my family. Had I known that being an adult would've been this difficult..I wouldn't have been in such a hurry to grow up.

Steve Deur said...

Clarky,
We'll miss you brother. You truly have a stake in the faith community we call Watermark. You've made a impact - thanks!

I feel the pull... oops - I guess it was just gas. :) Sorry - I couldn't help it.

Great post and looking forward to hearing that you are in action in Okie. SHEEEE HIGH!